NO GOOD THING (Reposting from An Older, Private Blog of Mine)

I just came across something I posted in August 2014 on a private blog I have. That was seven month before my first ever pregnancy (the one that ended at five weeks).

The hope Jesus brought to my soul through His Word on that day in August carried me through so many events thereafter (bigger and smaller) that--on the surface--did not look good, or at the very least looked like my Father was withholding good from me.

It is amazing to me to see in my own words that yes, I was indeed still holding on to hope of my womb being opening after over a decade. This is not a testimony to me. This is a testimony to the power of Jesus' invitation to our hearts to engage desire. He is good. All the time.


AUGUST 30, 2014

5756 days. Or, 15 years, 9 months and 4 days.

After 15 years, who is still counting days?! Well, when you’re talking infertility and you are an endless optimist, about once a month, you can’t help but notice the days. Maybe I’m the only one who would still hold onto this dream after a decade and a half. I can hardly even admit that to myself most days. It feels so foolish. And yet my heart will not let it go. Oh, how I have tried to kill it at times.

And then, came the month with several more days than usual. We’re talking it had been over a year since there had been this much reason to dare to hope.

And while that hope was still alive, and even growing, the Spirit drew me to His Word as he so faithfully does. Almost every day, I read at least one Psalm. I move through them pretty systematically and so, I was reading the “next one” and this is what I found:

For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly.

~Psalm 84:11

And I knew right then and there that if He continues to withhold that thing from me that I so deeply long for, then—for me, for now—it is not a good thing. The comfort that came with that is more than I can put into words. But my Father knew what I needed to hear for what lay ahead and tenderly spoke it to my soul.

The 20 Week Ultrasound Shows...

After much anticipation, today finally arrived and we headed down to see our midwife.

The predictions landed at an even 32 (unless I am forgetting something someone told me...there may have been one other vote for girl). Of course, Caleb's 2nd grade classmates really helped to even that out, voting 22 to 3 for a boy. They know him well. :)

Caleb has faithfully been praying for a boy the last several nights. I told Joseph on the way there that I have bonded with a DAUGHTER and it would be an adjustment to re-orient.

The conclusive decision took some time because this is one lively baby! All the measurements looked great--50th percentile--and the placenta is in a good place, too. All around relief. Oh, and the heart was beating strong at 160.

Here is how we celebrated, which should pretty much give you the much anticipated answer:

And if that's not clear enough, how about this?

And if you are still uncertain, I'll make it totally obvious:

I think Caleb is adjusting pretty well to the idea. And this consolation prize may have helped a bit:

Most of all, we are thankful that everything still looks healthy and right on schedule! I am still daily amazed at this gift we have been given, this answer to so many prayers of so many!

I continue to feel spoiled with how good I have felt throughout this pregnancy.

17 Weeks, 41 Years and #boisebound

When I wrote my first post on this blog, I had every intention of updating it on a weekly, or at the very least monthly, basis. I had no idea a pregnancy could fly by like this one has been. That said, I am bracing myself that the second half or last quarter may slow way down.

Last Friday we marked the 17th week of pregnancy and the next day I celebrated my 41st birthday. I was thoroughly spoiled by my family and dear friends.

What's up with the #boisebound in the title, though, you ask? I'll get to that after I answer a few questions that seem to be on many of your minds.

How am I feeling?
This is probably the most common one I get. And I appreciate the interest. I have had a pretty standard answer all throughout this pregnancy: "definitely pregnant but not miserable." I have heard my share of stories of women who were quite nauseous much of the time, if not worse. I truly feel like I have nothing I could complain of. I mean, I certainly hope that after all these years of waiting I would not complain even if I were stuck in bed with a bucket by my side. But that has not been the case. There have been just enough symptoms to be reassuring.

Will we find out the gender (ahead of time, that is)?
Yes! I'm scheduled for my 20 week ultrasound on October 16th and provided Lentil cooperates and there is a gender determination made, we will avail ourselves of that information immediately. We also plan to share it soon thereafter. [Side note: I'm pretty sure my favorite gender neutral color is RED!]

Have we thought of any names yet?
Yes. We have maybe even settled on names but that is one thing we intend to save as a surprise for after the birth. So feel free to offer your suggestions but we take this naming thing very seriously, and believe it is a job that has been entrusted to us, so we really aren't worried about hurting anyone's feelings, nor will we be moved by anyone expressing a distaste for the names we choose.

Have I felt Lentil move?
Not yet. From everything I've read, I am not surprised by this. We have, however, heard the heart beat again recently and even heard a few kicks! So we know there is movement happening.

I swear it looks bigger in person than in this picture!

I think that covers the most common questions. Now about that #boisebound.

The shorter version (which is what I'll give, at least for now) is that ever since a taking a trip to Boise, Idaho a year ago, we have been praying about the possibility of relocating there. We have been knocking on doors, making connections (especially on a second trip we took there this last February--we already know some people in the church community we will be a part of) and just last week Joseph accepted a job offer.

While we will dearly miss so many here we have shared our hearts with, we are truly excited about this new chapter for our family. And we have every intention of coming back to visit.

Our target move date is November 10th (which was also the due date of my first pregnancy that ended in loss).

We covet your prayers as we continue knocking on doors, especially related to housing. And of course for the packing process. We have been married/lived in this area for over 19 years and in this house for more than 8 of those. We certainly hope to decrease the amount of belongings that have accumulated over the course of that time, but it also feels a bit daunting in the midst of other necessary preparations.

Oh, and something else to be praying for is the provision of a midwife in Boise. I have so much respect (and love!) for my midwife-friend here and cannot really imagine anyone out there who I would trust as much, nor who could put me at ease as much. But I also know that Jesus knew when He opened my womb who would be catching this baby, and also who I needed seeing me through this far. With all the other provisions we have seen, I know I can trust my Father for this one also.

Here are a few pictures from our two trips to Boise:

Caleb on Our First Trip

Joseph and Bobbie - can't wait to live closer to these dear friends!

Sam and Me - God has fathered me through this man over the years

Our Second Trip - we were definitely checking things out with new eyes this time

Grab Your Favorite Beverage, This Is a Long One

I have come to love the stories God writes into the lives of his children. They are so often unlike anything we would write. If you have eyes to see it, they are always better.

So often when we find ourselves stuck in the middle of a dark chapter we are tempted to wonder if the Author is good. We can see no way for things to end well.

And then, of course, there is interpretation. I may look at your story and see good, or at the very least hope, while all you can see is black.

The pastor we sat under for many years, Michael Kelly, said some things that the Spirit wove into the very fabric of my faith. Among them:

The gospel says in the end everything will be okay.
You can always have all you need, if all you need is Christ.

Some stories really don't resolve in a Happily Ever After this side of glory. But the hope Scripture paints for us, tells us we have not yet seen The End.

"And he who was seated on the throne said, 'Behold I am making all things new.' And he said, 'Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.'"
~Revelation 21:5

Write this down.

Trustworthy and true.

I believe Jesus has entrusted our family with a story that must be told. One that shows our God to be trustworthy and true. It is so much bigger than we are. And the final chapters are not yet written. But I am convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that it ends well.

"And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, 'Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.'"
~Revelation 21:3-4

Though our story has its share of turmoil and sorrow, it is one filled with joy and hope.

So feel free to pull up a chair and take a peek. There just might be something Jesus has to say to you through the threads of our story woven into the tapestry of The Story he is writing through all of time, over all the world.


I have wanted to be a wife and mother for as long as I can remember. My dolls were my first children. And I played with them much longer than most other girls I knew.

How thankful I was when Joseph came into my life at the age of 19 with the hope of marriage not too far off. One of the things I observed in the early days of getting to know him was his enjoyment of children. And even before we said, "I do!" we had talked a lot about our shared desire for a family, even one that would be grown through adoption someday.

A little over two years after our wedding, we decided there was no longer any reason to wait. Or so we thought. God had a different story already in the works.

And so began the years of infertility. They ticked by and brought with them deep work in my soul and an ever growing intimacy with Jesus. And that is really a story unto itself, some of which I wrote about at the time.

Even once we decided to no longer continue down the path with what the medical community had to offer us in pursuit of biological children, the journey to adoption brought with it more years of waiting to see our dream realized.

Finally, after eight and a half years of longing for a child to call our own, on March 16, 2007, God brought us this:

 

I honestly do not believe I could have felt more like a mother, or been more filled with joy, if Caleb had grown inside me.

And for a season, the longing for that experience (pregnancy and birth) took a spot on the back burner.

Before long, though, the desire to have a sibling for Caleb brought that longing back with a vengeance. The prospect of beginning the adoption process again was daunting. And, of course, we've all heard those stories of people who get pregnant as soon as they adopt, right? (Well, I knew they are a small minority but it didn't stop me from hoping.)

Over the years we began the adoption process more than once, only to get derailed for one reason or another. And then, in time, that door was firmly closed.

I began praying in earnest for the miracle that seemed to be the only way our family would grow.

If you know me at all, you probably know that I am as optimistic as they come. Through all these years on this monthly, emotional roller coaster, though, there have been times when I longed to give up hope. To just be done with it. I would ask God if it was time to stop asking. I have pleaded with him to take away my hope.

The answer always came back the same: an invitation to keep hoping.

If there is one thing that can trigger shame in me, it's probably this very thing. That even after a decade plus I was still holding on to the hope of someday carrying life inside of me. I mean, who does that?

And yet, I could not let it go. Even when I wanted to.


MIRACLE #1
In March of this year, after 16 years, 4 months and 13 days of trying to conceive I had my first ever positive pregnancy test.

Crazy? Yes. An answer to prayers? Absolutely. Some of them even very specifically surrounding that time.

Then, the unthinkable. The day we got that mind boggling news, I also began to miscarry. I was five weeks along.

What was going on here? I won't pretend to know. But I do know that Jesus had my heart securely in his hands through it all. And it was a mixture of emotions, not all grief.

Through all those years of infertility, I admit I would find myself at times envious of people who lost children prior to birth. At least they had known what it was to have a life growing inside them.

With that short lived pregnancy, hope and prayers took on a renewed fervency!
Then, several months passed and it seemed to be back to business as usual. The monthly roller coaster that always ended in disappointment.


MIRACLE #2
One might think that a second positive pregnancy test at the end of June would have brought only fear and trepidation. Jesus' invitation to me, though, was to simply enter in and receive this as the joyous miracle it was. And for the most part, I have been able to do just that.

That second test came at four weeks (a week earlier than the first time) and so there was no small amount of holding our breath for the week that followed. Then another week followed. And a few more days.

That brings me to yesterday. We had our initial appointment with our midwife (and friend) Cindie Brown. And we felt God's smile as we were able to see on an ultrasound (numerous times, from many different angles) a good, strong heartbeat. 150bpm to be exact. At six weeks and five days, we got a due date of March 3, 2016.

"Lentil"

Yes, I am well aware that this is absurdly early in a pregnancy to be going this public with the news. The truth is, we have simply found it impossible to "keep a lid" on this. And so, with so many of you, our desire is that you hear it from us, along with some of the back story.

We do not know how this chapter ends. We do know our Father is good. And he has already shown us his favor countless times, in countless ways. No matter where this journey is taking us, we know he loves us fiercely and will never leave or forsake us.