Grab Your Favorite Beverage, This Is a Long One

I have come to love the stories God writes into the lives of his children. They are so often unlike anything we would write. If you have eyes to see it, they are always better.

So often when we find ourselves stuck in the middle of a dark chapter we are tempted to wonder if the Author is good. We can see no way for things to end well.

And then, of course, there is interpretation. I may look at your story and see good, or at the very least hope, while all you can see is black.

The pastor we sat under for many years, Michael Kelly, said some things that the Spirit wove into the very fabric of my faith. Among them:

The gospel says in the end everything will be okay.
You can always have all you need, if all you need is Christ.

Some stories really don't resolve in a Happily Ever After this side of glory. But the hope Scripture paints for us, tells us we have not yet seen The End.

"And he who was seated on the throne said, 'Behold I am making all things new.' And he said, 'Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.'"
~Revelation 21:5

Write this down.

Trustworthy and true.

I believe Jesus has entrusted our family with a story that must be told. One that shows our God to be trustworthy and true. It is so much bigger than we are. And the final chapters are not yet written. But I am convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that it ends well.

"And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, 'Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.'"
~Revelation 21:3-4

Though our story has its share of turmoil and sorrow, it is one filled with joy and hope.

So feel free to pull up a chair and take a peek. There just might be something Jesus has to say to you through the threads of our story woven into the tapestry of The Story he is writing through all of time, over all the world.


I have wanted to be a wife and mother for as long as I can remember. My dolls were my first children. And I played with them much longer than most other girls I knew.

How thankful I was when Joseph came into my life at the age of 19 with the hope of marriage not too far off. One of the things I observed in the early days of getting to know him was his enjoyment of children. And even before we said, "I do!" we had talked a lot about our shared desire for a family, even one that would be grown through adoption someday.

A little over two years after our wedding, we decided there was no longer any reason to wait. Or so we thought. God had a different story already in the works.

And so began the years of infertility. They ticked by and brought with them deep work in my soul and an ever growing intimacy with Jesus. And that is really a story unto itself, some of which I wrote about at the time.

Even once we decided to no longer continue down the path with what the medical community had to offer us in pursuit of biological children, the journey to adoption brought with it more years of waiting to see our dream realized.

Finally, after eight and a half years of longing for a child to call our own, on March 16, 2007, God brought us this:

 

I honestly do not believe I could have felt more like a mother, or been more filled with joy, if Caleb had grown inside me.

And for a season, the longing for that experience (pregnancy and birth) took a spot on the back burner.

Before long, though, the desire to have a sibling for Caleb brought that longing back with a vengeance. The prospect of beginning the adoption process again was daunting. And, of course, we've all heard those stories of people who get pregnant as soon as they adopt, right? (Well, I knew they are a small minority but it didn't stop me from hoping.)

Over the years we began the adoption process more than once, only to get derailed for one reason or another. And then, in time, that door was firmly closed.

I began praying in earnest for the miracle that seemed to be the only way our family would grow.

If you know me at all, you probably know that I am as optimistic as they come. Through all these years on this monthly, emotional roller coaster, though, there have been times when I longed to give up hope. To just be done with it. I would ask God if it was time to stop asking. I have pleaded with him to take away my hope.

The answer always came back the same: an invitation to keep hoping.

If there is one thing that can trigger shame in me, it's probably this very thing. That even after a decade plus I was still holding on to the hope of someday carrying life inside of me. I mean, who does that?

And yet, I could not let it go. Even when I wanted to.


MIRACLE #1
In March of this year, after 16 years, 4 months and 13 days of trying to conceive I had my first ever positive pregnancy test.

Crazy? Yes. An answer to prayers? Absolutely. Some of them even very specifically surrounding that time.

Then, the unthinkable. The day we got that mind boggling news, I also began to miscarry. I was five weeks along.

What was going on here? I won't pretend to know. But I do know that Jesus had my heart securely in his hands through it all. And it was a mixture of emotions, not all grief.

Through all those years of infertility, I admit I would find myself at times envious of people who lost children prior to birth. At least they had known what it was to have a life growing inside them.

With that short lived pregnancy, hope and prayers took on a renewed fervency!
Then, several months passed and it seemed to be back to business as usual. The monthly roller coaster that always ended in disappointment.


MIRACLE #2
One might think that a second positive pregnancy test at the end of June would have brought only fear and trepidation. Jesus' invitation to me, though, was to simply enter in and receive this as the joyous miracle it was. And for the most part, I have been able to do just that.

That second test came at four weeks (a week earlier than the first time) and so there was no small amount of holding our breath for the week that followed. Then another week followed. And a few more days.

That brings me to yesterday. We had our initial appointment with our midwife (and friend) Cindie Brown. And we felt God's smile as we were able to see on an ultrasound (numerous times, from many different angles) a good, strong heartbeat. 150bpm to be exact. At six weeks and five days, we got a due date of March 3, 2016.

"Lentil"

Yes, I am well aware that this is absurdly early in a pregnancy to be going this public with the news. The truth is, we have simply found it impossible to "keep a lid" on this. And so, with so many of you, our desire is that you hear it from us, along with some of the back story.

We do not know how this chapter ends. We do know our Father is good. And he has already shown us his favor countless times, in countless ways. No matter where this journey is taking us, we know he loves us fiercely and will never leave or forsake us.